Dating dictionary meaning

Five-times-married Jan Leeming claimed in Femail last week that internet dating has given her a new lease of life - and she's not alone. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet. Her brain cannot process the words: 'I don't think you're quite right for me.'LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE Gold digger. WILLING TO TRAVEL Lives in a filthy flea-ridden hovel that he can't possibly let you see. NORMAL KIND OF GUY Normal in a Norman Bates kind of way. NEVER DONE THIS Have done this a thousand times before, but I'm too embarrassed to admit it, so will pretend that you're my first. Your date will be a riot of whoopee cushions, itching powder and fake-dogpoo-filled fun.A staggering 65 per cent of British singletons now turn to the internet looking for love. It doesn't matter if the guy is 60, he'll still confine his searches to '35 and under', so any woman's age should be taken as a ball park figure. Working her way through the internet site and it's your turn. Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a 25-year-old Adonis. Normality should be a given, so run a mile from anyone selling it as a good point. The golden rule of internet dating is that anyone who feels obliged to mention they have a sense of humour is usually devoid of one. LOOKS NOT IMPORTANT Barrel-scraping beggar who can't afford to be a chooser.5ft 10 5ft 7.

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But everyone who's ever dated online knows personal profiles can be a minefield - too often a tall, dark, handsome millionaire turns out to be a short, fat, ugly geek. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences. It's safe to deduct three inches from any man claiming to be between 5ft 7 and 5ft 10. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' because he can't remember your name.

Here, to help you read between the lines of adverts, CLAUDIA CONNELL brings you a handy his 'n' hers Dating Dictionary. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects. That means he's ugly, 5ft 3in and plays snooker CUDDLY Morbidly obese. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts. SPORTY I watched the Olympics and play snooker for the local pub team. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op.

• Space aliens have zapped that portion of our brain required for being real.

So, because we're so lousy at relating to females, we invariably torpedo a relationship before it even has a fighting chance. And all we have to make up for it and console ourselves is big cars, Haagen-Dazs, serial dating, starting wars in Third World nations, and impressing women in the gym.

A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet.

Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility. The good news is he travels for free and gets in half-price at the cinema. The sort of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M1 in the rushhour.

For example: MAN SAYS: "Oh, um, sure, I like to dance." MAN MEANS: "I once gave myself a hernia in a swing dance class, and now, on my list of things I enjoy, "dancing" comes right after "cleaning up after a large dog with severe digestive problems." MAN SAYS: "What I really want is a long-term, serious relationship with someone." MAN MEANS: "And you could be that person if you consider long-term to be three months, and serious to include vodka, a wardrobe from Victoria's Secret, and, of course, wrist restraints." MAN SAYS: "I have a great relationship with my dad." MAN MEANS: "Our monthly phone conversation consists of each of us asking the other how things are going, me saying 'Pretty good, how 'bout yourself? " MAN SAYS: "I'm feeling some good chemistry here between us." MAN MEANS: "The sight of your cleavage is giving me thoughts of activities that I'm fairly certain are illegal in at least twelve states." All right, I'm not so delusional as to think that my dating dictionary is going to completely resolve the big issue of male-female dating communication. And if my little contribution brings just one couple together into a relationship of honest and open communication, genuine friendship, and erotic passion, then it will have all been worth it.

All I ask is that they send me a thank-you -- and a photo of them, especially if it happens to feature Victoria's Secret outfits and wrist restraints.

• Our primary communicating experience is talking and/or bragging to other guys about sports and women.

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